Friday, November 11, 2011

That's One Hell of an RV Park

That's Marie and I in the photo above, sitting pretty in some lovely Oregon RV park, a couple years ago. We love our Airstream, as I have waxed on about here many times, and even took the tripod along, apparently, to catch Ma and Pa Kettle at their most relaxed.

Last summer Marie's side of the family staged a large family reunion, in southern Oregon, where Marie grew up. We thought about taking down the trailer, but this time we thought we'd take two separate vehicles, since Marie's mom Ethel had been staying with us for a few days just before the reunion. My son Blaine and I took my rig, my Sprinter, which is fully equipped for a disabled guy like Blaine, with a powerful lift on the side and a van seat made just right for him to transfer into from his wheelchair.

Blaine and I stayed at the Seven Feather's Casino, in Canyonville, Oregon, while Marie and Ethel stayed at Marie childhood home in Cottage Grove. It was a whirlwind stay, with Blaine and I actually winning at the casino, then there was the reunion, and we all ended up in Cottage Grove at Mom's where we did some fixin' for granny. On the last day at the casino, I mentioned to Blaine that I had seen that a large RV park was under construction at the casino site, on the mountainside, and that I wanted to drive up there before we left Canyonville to check it out. We had some breakfast, loaded our gear and our fortune, and headed over to The Seven Feather's RV Resort. As we entered, we could see that about half the park was already finished, and loaded with RVs, a beautiful lodge looking swimming facility, lush landscaping, man, the works. Just a beautiful RV park, which gets me all fired up, because I love trailers and Airstreams and the whole schtick, and am also given to bingeing into superlatives, owing to the fact that I am my father.

Anyway, lest I go on and on about it here, I mean about how absolutely awesome The Seven Feather's RV Resort is, suffice it to say that it is just well, absolutely awesome.

Some weeks later, I heard a little melody come down, and before you know it, a new song was born, and that's just how that happens. After I laid down the rhythm tracks, using software and Garageband, my friend and magnificent guitarist Tim Ellis came over. We had a great day today, recording his parts on four songs. Hope you like this one.


Friday, September 23, 2011

Mayhem at the Guggenheim


My friend Randy McCullough, a very good songwriter and bassist from Austin, recently moved to New York with his wife Barbara, who transfered there for her job. Randy has been enjoying himself, I can tell, by his frequent emails and stories of their life residing within walking distance of Central Park. He sends me songs, I send him songs. I miss Randy. I'm glad they're having a great time in New York.

Ran's latest email included the story of their recent trip to The Guggenheim Museum (of modern art) with a visiting relative. I just cracked up as I read the story, which started with a certain enthusiasm for the sightseeing day ahead, and ended with Ran slipping on something and planting his foot squarely on a work of art, much to the shock and awe of other museum patrons. As they climbed the staircase to see other art, they could look behind them, and as far as three floors up, still see the footprint he had left on the canvas sheet he had defaced.

The second I finished reading his email I began writing the words to a new song, "Mayhem at the Guggenheim", which was the subject of his email. I pulled out my laptop, cranked up my bluegrass band, and recorded the tune. Click on the title below to hear it. Headphones or earbuds please!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Pee Bottle Song


I'm tryin' to have a good attitude about getting older. I'm 63 now, Social Security has kicked in, and I can get the Patty Melt at Dennys for half price. Mostly, I'm doin' pretty good. The brain is working quite well. It's the bod that has its problems. I'm not gonna go into those problems here. I have plenty of cronies to commiserate with. There is a sudden Fellowship of Infirmity Sharing that forms right about this age.

But I have always loved to cut up, and laugh, and still do. When I was about 40, and just beginning to feel the affects of aging, like say, occasional stiffness, I saw an older person on TV quip that, when he gets down on his knees for some reason, before he gets up, he asks himself if there is anything else he can do while he's down there! This totally cracked me up, since I could already identify, and I have been giggling about aging ever since.

So I hope you will enjoy my latest musical endeavor, which is a rockin' little number, and written for my baby booming friends with the ol' weakening bladder. Man I wish I didn't have to pee so often.

My Buddy Tim Ellis, who is a magnificently accomplished musician, plays guitars on this tune. He didn't balk when I asked him to play on this recording, so that makes him at least partly responsible for this song being in the world.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Man Cave Sunday


The only thing I like about the days growing shorter in summer is the fact that football is just around the corner. When I was younger I loved to play football, and now, watching it is almost as good as playing was. Pro, college, high school, intramural, all of it. I just plain love the sport.

After I became an adult, I realized also that, along with the crisp fall air and apple cider, one could receive other fine gifts during football season, like the killer tailgate party or, as I have recently taken to calling it, man cave sunday. Man cave sunday is described as the moment when all your buddies, (girls allowed) come over to your sweet man cave and eat, drink, and watch a football game, say, when your alma mater is playing, or your home town team. The adult beverages flow, the sushi rocks, the chicks are wearin' tube tops, and the hollerin' is heard for blocks. What a blast. I wrote a song about it. Tim Ellis plays guitars. That's Danny Shauffler, the crazed Crazy Eights sax man on sax. Dude can blow.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Bed Bugs


Ok so maybe the whole bed bug scare is nothing more that another case of "worst case scenario news". I mean, the media goes off ad nauseum about any number of things that turn out to be not so bad after all, maybe this is one of'em. Still, every time I hear a bed bug story, some poor soul has to burn his house down to get rid of his bed bugs, or some neighborhood has to be fumigated, or a whole hotel, yuck. We've had enough trouble with ants over the last few years, and I know I don't want any of those critters in my bed.

So I'm driving along listening to NPR a couple weeks ago, and I am enjoying the Rick Steve's show. He interviewed his own son, who apparently travels and writes too, and then Rick interviewed an owner of a Youth Hostel. During the conversation, this fellow brought up the subject of bed bugs, and how they have been a real problem in the Youth Hostels, not his of course. But I was a bit taken aback, I mean, not really good advertising for the Youth Hostels of the world. Thought I'd write a song about it. Heh.



Wednesday, May 04, 2011

KNIGHTZ


1962. I am in the eighth grade. Mom dropped me off one morning in the tiny Atkinson parking lot, on a warm Spring Portlandia day. I strode in my black low top converse and white socks toward the school door, and suddenly, I saw, to the right, our grade school principal, the perky and respectable Mr. Petersen, whom my mother spoke highly of. Mr. Peterson stood around 6’ tall and had a big brown styin’ haircut. “Well, Ric!”, he spoke as I passed, “just a second.” Mr. Petersen locked his car door and walked toward me, with a warm smile. “I want to talk to you Ric”, he spoke. “So it’s almost time for graduation, Ric,” Mr. P said, and stuck his hand out to shake mine, white guy style. “Ric, you’re a great kid, and it has been a real pleasure and honor being your principal these past years. Now you’re going off to high school, and you are really gonna make your mark up there. I just bet a day will come when I will hear that you are the student body president of that high school! So let’s get our day started shall we?" We walked into the school his arm over my shoulder, very warm and encouraging but not weird at all. I felt special.

So I go to high school, and I did become the vice president of the senior class, and I did run for class president once, but I was sick in the hospital, no kidding, when running for office speeches were given, and lost. But the other guy was gonna win anyway cuz he was more popular and also had the mo.

And during high school I was president of a YMCA high school club named KNIGHTZ, which I had joined almost like one joins a fraternity. I was elected president of KNIGHTZ by my peers, so I did spend some time runnin’ shit. But what I was thinking about tonight was, that each letter in KNIGHTZ stood for something. Kindness. Nobility. I cant remember. (maybe intitiative) Generosity. Humility. Tolerance. Zeal. I was driving down the road and I suddenly thought, geez, if everyone would just drive kindly, generously, with tolerance, there wouldn’t be any wrecks. Or way less, he said to the skeptics. And these words have rung true in my ears all these years, and I believe I have held these values up in my mind, and thought of them as something to live up to. Crazy. But striving to be in “KNIGHTZ, to be a member, turns out to be a really good thing. And Mr. Peterson’s kindness! Wow. What a star, makin’ a kid feel good about himself.

So I’m just sayin’ this stuff cuz it just reminds me to be kind, and generous, and tolerant, and to be nice to the kids and take a minute to tell them they’re great. I mean, so they don’t turn into Crabby Appleton. Mr. Petersen, Yo! The words you said to me that day, I dunno, I can’t remember exactly how it went. But I remember your eyes, and I remember that you told me I was doin’ good. I have remembered that moment and attempted to live up to your expectations all my life. Good move.



Sunday, May 01, 2011

The Coffee Song



I have been working on these lyrics for over 5 years, just wanted to share. We do need our waker-upper, eh?

The Coffee Song
Copyright Ric Seaberg 2011

Americano latte macchiato breve, bring me some caffeine please
Frappuccino 6 shot, sugar free, extra hot'n one of those Chinese teas
We don' work for nothin', we got bills to pay
But if you ask why I do it, this is what I'll say.......
Chorus
I'm jus' keepin' my Starbucks card in the black
That's why I do it, that's why I break my back
t'keep my Starbucks card in the black

Roll me outa bed yo, grande espresso, to get me back on track,
If you wanna treat me, then you can meet me, down at the coffee shack
I got some mean expenses....I guess that says it all
And when I'm on my knees today, workin’ in the driving rain
Chorus
Solo
Bridge
I don' need no mansion, no Mercedes Benz
All I need to satisfy, is the last and greatest legal high!!

Americano latte macchiato breve, bring me some caffeine please
Frappuccino 6 shot, sugar free, extra hot'n one of those Chinese teas
I try hard to wreck my jeans, yet another pair
Well I may not get rich this way, but I don't really care.....

Chorus, then
Last chorus
I'm jus' keepin' my, keepin' my Starbucks card in the black
That's why I do it, that's why I break my back
t'keep my Starbucks card in the black



Saturday, April 23, 2011

Challah'n Ham

I believe it was about 1978 when I realized there aren't enough Easter pop songs. I was operating my bakery, Richard's Bakery, in Tualatin, Oregon, at that time, and during the holidays, say, Christmas, St. Patty's Day, I liked the idea of playing appropriate atmosphere enhancing lively music at my counters, and it was easy to find. Except for Easter. I dunno, maybe it's too serious a holiday for there to be much pop music. All you've got is basically, "Here Comes Peter Cottontail, Hopin' Down the Bunny Trail", and that Easter Bonnet song, "In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, etc." And of course there are many hymns, all sad and serious. Well, it is pretty serious when somebody wakes up from bein' dead. Anyway, I decided to write an Easter Pop song, since it "popped" into my musical brain, all drummin' and thumpin' and rhymin' and firin' off couplets, here are the lyrics. A link to the song appears below too.

Challah'n Ham Copyright Ric Seaberg 2011
When the sun comes up on Easter morn, I roll outa bed 
I put some green tea on the stove, and make the deviled eggs
I bake a pie and clean the house, I do the best I can 
And when our friends show up for brunch We serve challah'n ham 
Chorus 
If that's just wrong! I don' understand! Can't there be a way?! 
Cuz nothing's better than challah'n ham On Easter day 


Dad was a Swede, Mom was a Jew, from that windy town,
They both told us everyday, don't put other people down 
I turned out white with Hebrew blood, that's jus' who I am 
So it's a natural for me, to serve challah'n ham 
Chorus 
Solo 
Bridge 
The world is full of races blending, friends and lovers everyday 
Rich and poor and straight and gay, that's how the world rolls today! 
A regulation challah braid is hard to make, you bet! 
So I just use the diagram I found on bread dot net 
I turn the tv off to dine, I call around the clan 
Then we break bread with family.....challah'n ham 
Chorus If that's just wrong! I don' understand! Can't there be a way?! 
Cuz nothin' works like challah'n ham On Easter day



Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Daddy Is A Songwriter

Yesterday I opened a letter addressed to me that contained the largest royalty check I have ever received. Sizably larger than any I have ever received. I think I am experiencing a bit of shock. But in a good way.

When you are a songwriter, the songs, or the ideas for the songs, in my case anyway, "come through", that is, they are out there ready to be written down, and one just pops into your head, like, oh, that's a cute melody, hmmm, ok here are some words coming too, like that. So it's not something that one can brag too much about, cuz it just happens. But the part after the song is born.... recording it, making the lyrics better day by day, sending out cds and mp3s, managing a website, buying all the stuff you need to record, now that's some shit. So I am gonna deposit this check, after I take a picture of it, with so much pleasure, pleasure that only another songwriter could understand. It has been a long road on the ol' songwritin' front for Ricky. It's not like I can say my ship has come in or anything, but I feel validated for my work more than ever, or maybe, finally. Whoever you are out there, paying good money to play my songs on your radio stations and tv shows, you have made me very happy. Thank you from way way way down deep.

Here's a song I recorded awhile back, it kinda tells the story. I especially love Tim Ellis' guitar parts on this tune. After I post it, I'm gonna go get me a lox trim bagel to celebrate. But I gotta focus on that salmon, cuz I don' wanna look like a dope tearin' up in Noah's.



Sunday, January 09, 2011

The Hoarder Song

We watch all the tv shows about hoarders at our house. What a fascinating disability, I mean, I am certain folks wouldn't subject themselves to such squalor and their families to such pain if they weren't ill. But.... I dunno, when I watch this stuff, there is a part of me and my republican tendencies that wants to say, "People, take responsibility for your trash! Dont leave chicken in your fridge 'til it turns into a science experiment! Don't treat animals of any kind inhumanely!" That's the part that bugs me the most, treating those poor animals so horribly, sorry, under no circumstances is that ok. But I do feel compassion for those hoarder people.

To listen to The Hoarder Song click here

My story in annoying detail:

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Don't touch my junk, I dunno, what a funny string of words. I knew there were likely a thousand songwriters jotting down lyrics with the same title, but I decided to do it anyway.

To listen to "Don't Touch My Junk" click here


My story in annoying detail:

Saturday, August 07, 2010

I Hate That Broken Heart S**t


Ever since my 31 year old step-son Blaine started working at FreeGeek here in Portland, first as a lowly volunteer and now as a lowly volunteer build instructor, (more like champion build instructor), Marie and I have acquired a plethora of young Geek Friends, many of whom we have adopted. I recall taking Blaine down to “The Geek” as we fondly call the place, on the first day, and meeting Matthew Harris, who spent the day with Blaine, helping him remove the bowels from a Compaq computer and explaining the different parts. I felt grateful and inspired by Matthew, who was then, and is now, one of our finest geek friends, not to mention brilliant, and very funny.

Matthew has moved on to Montana, but was here in Portland a couple weeks ago. He stopped by for a visit, and it was great to see him. As usual, we spent a goodly amount of time laughing at Matthew’s usually funny take on the world. At one point, Matthew was waxing on about the Many Loves of Matthew Harris, being the Geeky Ass Bandit Wannabe that he is, and touched on the subject of disappointment in relationships. At that moment, I chimed in, “I hate that broken heart shit”. Matt immediately looked my way with a gleam in his eye, and as he is wont to do when making light of my rocker ways, stated, “That’s a song title!”. Matt, this one's for you. You get 10% writer’s credit. Left to my own devices, I don’t think it would have occurred to me to actually write a song with shit in it. My buddy Tim Ellis came over to capably play all the guitar parts.


My story in annoying detail:

Monday, July 12, 2010

Freedom of Expression



I really like usin’ the F word. In conversation, or writing, there’s just no other adjective that says it like fuck. Throw down a fucking this or fucking that, you get the most mileage outa your sentence. Is it unbelievable or unfuckingbelievable? I do pretty well not using expletives among my grandchildren, lest my daughters give me the look, but among friends, I fucking use fuck a lot. No shit. That’s how I roll.

But as I mentioned above, there are sometimes that one just doesn’t need to cuss a blue streak, like among the grandkids. Or around your mom. And if I may digress, I don’ wanna see cigarette or hard liquor ads on TV, and I am glad we outlawed that. So let’s just say I love to be able to express myself freely, in this great country of ours, but there are limits. It’s a good thing to have some limits.

But as far as politics and discourse on the issues goes, it’s no holds barred with me. I wanna hear it all. In order to have a perfect union, we have to have firm resolve on freedom of religion, and free speech. Free speech is da bomb. I might hate what you have to say, but I am gonna defend your right to say it and make your point every time. That’s what makes our country great. So throw down some weird political or religious gobbi gobbi on me, I am gonna think you are an idiot. But I am going to be civil to you, and give you the floor while you blow. Then I am gonna say you’re an idiot, and tell you why.

Wrote a song about it. It’s titled Freedom of Expression. Listen here, and thank you. Hope you fuckin’ like it.


My story in annoying detail:

Thursday, June 17, 2010

So-So Title



I have been writing songs and recording them, off and on, since I was 16 years old, that would be, uh, 46 years. I've waxed on here occasionally about my small triumphs, like having my song "The Noise Pollution's Gone", become the theme song of NoiseFreeAmerica, or, most recently, having over 500 videos on YouTube using my music as a sound track. These things please me so, because besides being born to be a husband, father, gardener and steakeater, I was probably born to write songs, given it's recurring chorus.

Somewhere back there, I think I was in my late 30s, back in the days when one would make a master cassette tape of a song, and send it off to a publisher for approval, or disapproval, I got a lengthy letter back from one of them, with my rejected cassette. It was a lovely letter, really, from a Rusty Someone, full of observations about my songs, and even some kind comments. But I had used the word "spouse" in one of the songs I had sent him, (it was titled, "Knocks the Heart"), and Rusty's comment was that "spouse isn't a song word".

In the past ten years or so I have been submitting songs in the present day mp3 format, online, which is way more convenient. There are online services which will forward your worthy songs to publishers and others for use, as my representative
"Rumblefish Music" has done for me by placing my songs on YouTube. I could just about keep my Starbucks card in the black with the royalty checks Rumblefish has been kindly sending each quarter.

Another online company with contacts to recording artists and others who need songs like filmakers and tv producers is
Taxi.com, acompany which has placed many songs from li'l ol' writers like me with big recording stars. Each time a writer submits a song to Taxi, the writer receives a critique, a process I have enjoyed, and loathed. The artists and writers and industry professionals at Taxi who critique ones work are mostly kind, but honest. One part of the critique form rates your songs title, including one check box that says "So-So Title". Given my checkered songwriting past, I thought So-So Title was a pretty good title.


Friday, May 28, 2010

Home Court Advantage


I'm not a guy who thinks much about God. Well, that’s not completely true, cuz sometimes I wonder about folk’s weird conceptions of God, like those time honoured drawings and paintings of a old bearded white guy, reaching out to touch the hand of man, running the planet from the heavens, making it sunny or rainy, allowing school kids to mercilously bully other kids till they commit suicide, and giving my son spina bifida, the joker. Never really had all that much faith in God. But I do have faith in man.

Faith in “man” is what it’s all about. To me, that is the whole message in a nutshell, the message that Jesus and all those other cats want us to get, which somehow gets agonizingly misinterpreted. But it’s not an easy concept to grasp.

It’s not easy to have faith in man. Sometimes men, and women, do disappointing and foolish things, like lie to you, or steal your car, or break into your house, or fuck your best friend, or kill your dog. Sometimes people who seem to be perfectly well adjusted folks, pillars of the community, and who have done many good works, turn out to be rapists, child molesters or abusers, and serial killers. Or they do some other less appalling but still sinful dirty deed, like stealing money from the cash register at their work. Lessee, make the lunch for the kids, fill the bird feeder, send the ‘lectric bill, kiss the spousal unit and wish them a good day, drop the kids at school, call mom, oh crap look at all those 20s in this till, shit, I’m takin’ a couple.

Everyone (except my wife Marie, the most virtuous person on this mighty orb, no kidding) has done something bad in their life. I stole something from someone one time, when I was a teenager, over 40 years ago. I have regretted it SO MUCH all my life, but it did happen. That experience has also propped me up to never do anything like that again. I have gone on to better myself.

But while I don’t believe in God, I do believe in the collective unconscious. Call the collective unconscious God if you wish. If we all have faith in man, and talk about the good things that men and women do and can do, put the emphasis on that all the time, that’s the ticket. I get so tired of all the bad news on TV. I don’t think it’s healthy for the collective unconscious to dwell so much on the negative. Sure it might be titillating and interesting to see all the “worst case scenario” news on Channel 8, or watch a documentary about some serial killer, but I would love to see more balance, more good news. We need to have more faith in man, and faith in man will breed more faith in man, and more and more faith in the collective unconscious, and better behavior by all citizens. That’s the message! That’s what Jesus thinks! When men (or women) disappoint with negative behaviors, turn the other cheek! And if we all do that, and have faith in each other to do the right thing, magic happens.

Im not saying that you don’t lock up the serial rapist and throw away the key. But you do treat him humanely, and give him treatment. And when you catch someone in a lie, you don’t write them off as a lost cause and never trust them again. You tell them how disappointed you are, you tell them how they broke your heart, and you tell them to stop that shit. Then you forgive them. And you try with all your heart to have faith in them, as you go forward. And if you do that, they just might not lie to you again, and your faith will be affirmed and rewarded.

I have often wondered about home court advantage. There is no disputing the fact that teams win more at home than they do away, or, that they more often lose on the opposing teams home court. It is not impossible, for example, for the Phoenix Suns to beat The Los Angeles Lakers in LA, but it is more likely, as was the case this past week, that professional teams will win more games at home. The stats are overwhelming that there is actually truth to the concept of “home court advantage”. Is it because the guys or girls on the teams are just more comfortable at home? That they got more rest in their own bed? That they got to have their favourite breakfast, "moon over my hammy", at their favourite Dennys? Oh, that might be a little part of it. But what I think makes teams win more at home is that the home crowd is cheering and screaming and having faith in their team, and that’s what tips the balance. The collective unconscious of the crowd believing that their team is going to do good, do the right thing, and rousingly exclaiming their faith. Simple.

So I am gonna have faith in man and go forward believing that men and women are gonna do the right thing. And if they don't I'm still gonna give them the benefit of the doubt, and know they can do better.

Oh and Steve, that $5000 you owe me, fuggedaboudid. Call me. I miss you.

My story in annoying detail:

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Ric Seaberg's Homemade Dog Food

We are completely in love with our Bichon Frises, Pippi and Poppi, as I may have mentioned here one or twice. Pip and Pop are a big part of our family. When we are all together in our sitting room, watchin' the same House Hunters for the third time, with our dogs curled at our feet, all is well.

But both our dogs have had some medical problems, Pippi, pacreatitus, and skin issues, she's an itchy dog, and Poppi, the larger yet younger pup, a herniated disc, which required major surgery. I think it was mostly because Pip has itchy skin that I decided to try to make our own dog food, without preservatives and other lengthy word additives. It has been a boon to our dog's health.

This recipe, (or formula as we say in the bakery business), is a knock off from others you might find online, but I have expanded it to make a larger batch, so you can freeze a bunch of it and therefore make it a task that you might actually stick with, as I have. It's pretty easy, well, maybe it takes a bit of strength to stir it up in the final stage, but it's worth it. Here it is:

Ric Seaberg's Dog Food Formula

3 lbs brown rice (try to buy 3 lb bags to make this part easy. Or 2 lb and 1 lb bags!
1lb 5oz oats (1/2 large unit quaker oats)
Equivalent of 3-#10 cans veggies, yams, carrots, corn, peas. Diced carrots and yam pieces available in #10 cans at United Grocers and other food markets which cater to professionals. Varying the veggies in this recipe each time you make it will help supply your dog with a larger variety of nutrients.
5 lbs chopped pulled chicken mostly dark meat (United Grocers carries 10lb boxes of frozen "mostly dark" pulled chicken.

In very large professional size kettle with lid, bring rice to boil and cook on low boil for 35 minutes in 16 pints (16lbs) water (or 8 quarts)
Add oatmeal and cook on low for 5 minutes. Set aside to cool. If you are using any frozen veggies, like peas or corn, add these now. I buy frozen corn, it cools the mixture down which is helpful. When ingedients in kettle have cooled for an hour, add canned veggies. Drain canned veggies before adding. Some yams come in very light syrup so i drain the yams well and rinse. When adding yams squish in your hands as you add to insure that they will mix well. Wash your hands and stir this mixture well right in the large kettle with your hand and arm. You may store this food in larger containers as I do, just because I don't enjoy making individual servings at this point, or you can drop individual servings with a large ice cream scoop on pans which have been prepared with parchment paper. Freeze pans. When frozen, transfer servings to plastic bags for easy storage.

Makes approximately 120 scoops dog food

At our house we feed approximately 4 scoops per dog per day, in morning and late afternoon. At 4 per day total for 2 dogs, this recipe will last 30 days or one month.

Ric Seaberg

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Colonoscopy Song

Let's just say I'm in the last half of my fifties. And, since I'm mostly normal, I get to experience, as I go forth into the second half of my life, certain aging related joys, like the occasional back going out, various aches and pains, a tooth implant here and there, other stuff. You don' wanna see my toenails. But I'm super wise.

Our family doc, Brian Trafficante, is a great doc, a great guy, laughs easily, and characteristcally, I mean as a doc, harps on about weight, cholesterol, and oh yeah, Ric, you need to schedule a colonoscopy.

Recently, I finally got around to making an appointment for that over 50 test, and did the prep, the day before, liquids only, etc., got the test, and the findings were very good, so, though oldish, my butt's really healthy.

Marie drove me to and from the test, since a person is sorta out of it after a colonoscopy, given the dose of morphine they give you to keep you quiet. Some people fall asleep, Marie does, but I was awake the whole time.

But later, at home, in my cozy chair, trying to focus on the TV, I was in a bit of a daze.

I could barely hear Marie talking to her girlfriend Joyce on the phone, explaining to her that, since I was so out of it, we might have to cancel our plans to attend a lecture together that evening. Joyce relayed the situation to her husband, my friend Tom, as Marie listened in. At that moment, Tom, who loves to rattle my cage, whether or not I am in a morphine induced stupor, spewed, " Oh! I suppose now there's gonna be A SONG about a colonoscopy!!"

Later, after I came to, Marie told me about that chump Tom's smartass comment, about how, since I tend to write an OCCASIONAL quirky song, that, having just had a colonoscopy, I might be moved to write a song about it. That probably, after lying there, all doped up, while some stranger probed my colon wth a scope, I'd likely go all poetic. Pshaw, Tom. Get a grip. Never gonna happen.

Listen Here: The Colonoscopy Song

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

NO FRUITCAKE JOKES!! 2007


OK, so one of my songs, “ The Noise Pollution’s Gone”, is the official theme song of Noise Free America. My song, “If Oprah Was President”, was first adopted as the official theme song of Oprah for President 2008, and then enjoyed a few plays on CNN behind the story of her staunch if misguided supporters. Two of my songs, “We Talk About Cars”, and “Didn’t Say I Love You Right”, appear on CDs born of NPR’s Car Talk guys, Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, aka Tom and Ray Magliozzi. Several of my tunes have been used in little movies and videos, most notably by Maria Deathstar, and can be seen on Youtube. Hundreds of podcasters have glommed onto my songs to use as featured or backing music on their podcasts, and I continue to actually keep my Starbucks card in the black by digital sales of my songs on iTunes and elsewhere. And my song, “Superbowl Andy” for some unknown reason, logs over 10,000 plays per month, as a free download, from China.

But these achievements pale in comparison to the fame I have enjoyed over the years, since 1989, when Maria La Ganga of the L.A. Times, in her article on fruitcake, referred to me as “The Father of the Fruitcake Revolution in America”, a title I continue to nobly honour and protect, given my fervent support of fine quality fruitcake, as a former bakery owner and writer. Nary a holiday season inches by without some sort of fruitcake patter, a queery for a statement from a reporter, or a phone call from a radio station in Fargo, or Duluth. This years’ request for an interview came from right here in Portland, when Peter Korn, a fine journalist for the Portland Tribune, sat me down for a series of questions. Peter must’ve gotten his training from those sixty minutes guys, cuz he grilled me like a pink salmon, till, at one point, I almost walked off the set. But in the end, we shook hands, and I must say his Q and A is one of the most thorough pieces of investigative journalism I have ever read. Here’s the link.

NO FRUITCAKE JOKES THE ORIGINAL
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Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Doggy Bag Wave


Here in Portland, Oregon, when we're not huggin' trees, or beautifying our standard issue one quarter-acre lots, we're taking care of our dogs, feeding them the finest dog foods (available only at the vet), playing with them, snuggling and petting them, or walking them through the family friendly hood. I love this town.

As I have mentioned before in my blog entry titled Where Bitches Pee, it is absolutely incumbent upon the dog walker to remove all doggie excrement from neighbors lawns and gardens, by using any hand protective measures possible, a plastic grocery sack, bread bags, those gauzey thin transparent things the newspaper lands in, or, in our case, special 9"x 12" non-gusseted blue plastic bags, designed and sold specially to the discerning dog owner for pick up and discardment of canine feces, which come in a roll of 15, and actually attach to the 20' retractable yuppie dog leash I use by means of a little round container in the shape of a fire hydrant, or, in the case of my wife Marie, who prefers the multicolored single length leash style, a doggie bag container in the shape of a bone, or "boney" as we dog owners may be sometimes heard to utter in an excited tone, as in "Pippi, where's your boney?"

We have two dogs, both bichon frises, The Precious Pippi and Poppi, and the three of us, Marie, Blaine and I, pamper them relentlessly. As chief dog walker, I take them out 5 times a day, for them to do their doggie bizness, sniff other dogs pee scent to their hearts content, get their extracurricular petting from neighbors and passersby, and to take their requisite dumps. I hold both leashes in my left hand, generally, and when its time to pull out the doggie bag from its little plastic fire hydrant home, I do so with my right hand, and then, on the rest of the walk, carry that used bag in the same right hand. Oops, all out of hands!

Portland is a smallish town, and I have lived here for most of my life, so occasionally, a car will pass by, as I walk my dogs , and honk a friendly honk, the car horn of a friend, maybe a business associate, a neighbor, my sister. It's at those times I find myself stuck for an appropriate response, hands full of leashes and dog poop, but I give it my best shot. That's me above in pre-poop scoop mode, waving the empty hand in bag salute, fully ready to greet a pal or pick up shit. When you see me do this, please know I am just trying to be polite.


And of course, many times, I have already scooped the poop, when an old high school pal, or my wife's boss, come rolling by in their corn oil powered cars, so I offer the view next of what they might see. That's me again, charming and delighted to see you, saying hi with my blue bag plumb full of doody. Nice and friendly fella, that Ric.


But walking and coddling our dogs is not all we dog owners do for our pets, as was the case this Fall as we faced life threatening illnesses with both of them. Pippi, the elder stateswoman, and boss-o-me, stared down pancreatitis, a malady common to bichons, and, gratefully, has come through with colors flying. But two weeks ago, the world's sweetest bichon, our perfect Poppi, began showing signs of a back or neck issue, and has been saved by herniated disc surgery. In two weeks, she'll have about 30 stitches removed, (staples). meanwhile she's feeling much better, but still in some pain, so we are confining her in her new styley green canvas kennels (one for each floor) and filling her with meds, including codiene and 5mg valium. Here she is tethered to the bed in my studio, on a very short leash, mugging in my baseball hat, which, usually, she will shake off in about 2 seconds, but, well, she's tranqued up.

We love our dogs so much, they are truly a part of the family, and losing one them just isn't an option. We are thankful that we have dog insurance, which will pay for about half the expense of this latest round of vet bills, but where these guys are concerned, it's gonna be a small price to pay to see them both healthy again.


























So when you're drivin' by later, and see me out on the corner of 26th and S.E. Madison, and I raise my right hand and send the doggy bag wave your way, all smiley and rosey cheeked, know one thing. Pickin' up crap twice a day for years has begun to feel more like meditation and less like drudgery, and I'm so damn glad my dogs are still kickin'! I mean, these here little live stuffed animal ones.




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Pacific Beach, Washington, United States